Savvy Thank-Yous

Today is about the art of knowing what kind of thank-you to extend for different occasions and situations.

When do you owe someone a handwritten thank-you note?
When will an e-mail note fill the bill?
When is your verbal thank-you plenty?

These are all great questions, and some have new answers, an example of how the right thing to do evolves to meet the sensibilities of the times.

Thank-you Notes: When to Write, When to E-mail and When One Isn't Necessary


Dear Maralee,

Thank you for your wonderful column! I miss you on the Z (Z88.3 FM). I have a pretty basic question. I heard once that if a gift is opened in the presence of the gift giver, a handwritten thank-you note is unnecessary because a verbal thank-you was offered. Is this true? If so, is it true in all circumstances? Thank you again for your valuable newsletter!

A. In the midst of our throw-away culture, handwritten thank-you notes are permanent expressions of our gratitude. They're always gracious and in good taste. I doubt anyone who receives one thinks about the author, "Wow, what a time waster. Didn't he know this wasn't necessary?" Instead, it's more likely the recipient reads it and glows, "Wow, he really noticed and appreciated my efforts." Let's always be lavish in extending gratitude. It encourages the giver and reminds us of our blessings.

The answer to your question could fill a chapter. (In fact, there will be a chapter devoted to this topic in my second book, Social Savvy.) For now, here's a tip sheet for knowing what to send when. You might want to print it out to keep for reference. One interesting fact: five years ago an e-mail thank-you note was always considered poor form. Our sensibilities evolve and with them, etiquette. Today, sometimes, an e-mail thank-you note is fine.

Handwritten Note Required:

Children's birthday party gifts
Adult birthday party gifts
Bridal or baby shower gifts
Anniversary party gifts
Graduation party gifts
Housewarming event
Any gifts received in the mail
Gifts not opened in front of the giver
Any kindness or gift extended during or after an illness, a hospitalization, or a funeral (food, flowers, assistance) A meal you've been treated to in a home or restaurant, socially or for business
Anything that has been specially designed or handmade for you (craft, woodwork, needlework, quilt, baby items, monogram, etc.)

Verbal Thank-you is Sufficient:

Gifts given as a thank-you gesture (hostess gifts, bridal attendant gifts)
Holiday gifts opened in front of the giver (We'll cover this during the holidays)
Thinking-of-You items (small plants, home-baked goodies, candles, etc)
Gifts given by family members and closest friends and opened in front of them
One parent thanking another after a play date, party, occasional car ride home for their child, etc.

E-mail Thank-you is Sufficient:

When an e-mail is the next contact you'll have with the other person. This most often happens in work situations. An example: when you e-mail promised documents just hours after having lunch with a vendor, co-worker, or client, you'll want to thank him or her for lunch.

In situations where you don't have a physical address, only an e-mail address. (This happened to me the other day.) Always mention the fact that you don't have their physical address and that you wanted to thank them with a handwritten note.
Any small kindness (act or gift) that you want to acknowledge (neighbor picking up your newspapers for two days while you're away, someone copying a recipe for you, a coworker doing something for you that's not part of their job description, a church member helping you organize a small event, etc.)

Remember, when in doubt, do more than you think you should! It's hard to be criticized for being overly gracious!