Manners Mentor Blog : Simple. Savvy. Sincere.

The McKee baby-making factory is out of business. I’d love to have another child, but after two babies, two miscarriages, and my youngest son’s dangerous birth and learning disabilities, Kent and I decided that if God leads us to add to our family (I hope He does!) it will be through adoption.

Thinking about adoption has me talking to adoptive parents. Today’s post is part one of a two-part post on adoption etiquette.

It’s about being sensitive to adoptive families by avoiding questions we might find simply interesting, but they find intrusive at best, and often hurtful.

In our next post, we’ll look at adoption etiquette as it relates to announcements, parties, and showers, and how adoptive parents can respond to those insensitive questions.

1. The way an adoptive child entered the family, or why a family chose to adopt a particular child, is no more open to discussion than how your birth child entered your family. Can you imagine a stranger in line behind you at Target noticing your child and then asking without hesitation, “She’s so cute! So…how did she come about? Have a fight with your husband and make up?” Or, “Get lost in the moment and forget your birth control?” I can't imagine that would ever happen, at least let's hope not.

Yet adoptive parents are bombarded with insensitive questions about how their child came to them and often in front of young children old enough to realize that strangers find their family “different” than other parents and children. “Where’s her real mom?” “How much did she cost?” “Couldn’t you have your own child?” “Why didn’t you adopt an American baby?”

We don’t live our lives on Oprah’s TV stage. Adoptive families aren't any different. They shouldn't be thought of as eager to take up residence there and tell their stories to everyone who asks. Some (probably a lot) of adoptive parents are eager ambassadors for adoption; yet, on their schedules—not at the beck and call of strangers.

2. Different families tell their children their adoption stories at different ages. In the case of people adopting children of the same race, keep in mind some children might not know they’re adopted. While you might disagree with the child not knowing, it’s the parent’s decision.

Also, sometimes younger siblings might not realize older siblings are adopted. Ask the parents privately before speaking openly to the children.

3. The adoptive mom and dad are the child’s real parents. Choose words that are sensitive to the subject, and don’t put a layer of separation between parent and child. One adoptive mom I interviewed when writing this post put it this way, “Real is not a good word. All the people in the adoption triangle are real. When someone uses that word for the birthparents, it makes the adoptive parents sound inferior. It can be especially harmful if the child or his or her siblings hear it. Use adoptive mother and birth father, etc., to distinguish individuals if there’s even a rare reason to mention everyone.”

4. Don’t share adoption horror stories with parents in the process of or who have adopted. That’s the same as telling a pregnant women about your 27 hours of hard labor. What good is done by it? Yes, sometimes children go astray as they grow up, (whether raised by their birth parents or adopted parents) and an adopted child raised in the best of homes can turn out to have the same struggles of her birth parents 20 years earlier. However, for every story like that, there’s an inspirational story of destinies changed due to adoption.

Keep in mind, as Christians we’re all adopted into Christ’s family. What if He let our possible weaknesses and those of our parents decide while we were still children if He would ever call us His own?

Join me soon for Part Two.

Until then, are you a member of our Facebook family? You’ve gotta come join the fun!

We have almost 2000 members. The nicest people you’d ever want to be with! Come on over to www.facebook.com/manners.mentor to keep in the loop and get your daily dose of our Manners Mentor Family tips, inspiration and fun!

Blessings,

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A whole post about bodily noise etiquette?

Really???

I know that burps and…um…“not burps” seem like odd etiquette topics.

In fact, I feel edgy writing about them. If you’ve been part of the Manners Mentor family for even a week you know “edgy” isn’t the first word that comes to mind when you think, “Maralee.”

I’m as straight as 6:00!

In truth, talking about bathroom things can get foul. (Pardon the possible pun.) It’s like two kid brothers whispering and snickering in the backseat of the mini-van. I have two boys. Trust me, bathroom talk is the verbal thread of boyhood.

In regards to this post, you don’t need to cringe, or shield your children. These savvy skills will help you in your time of etiquette crisis whether you’re 6 or 46. In fact, you’ll want to share these skills with your family. Although, probably not over dinner.

Wondering why I chose this topic?

I want you to be able to count on me as the friend and mentor to share with you how to shine in ANY situation.

That’s my brand of etiquette.

Our Manners Mentor family is where the ivory towers of etiquette meet your everyday lives.

This topic is essential information for your social skill success, and for you I’ll come out of my comfort zone!

If you think about it, we’re held hostage when it comes to bodily noises. We can choose to control our words, our thoughts, our attitudes, our actions, and our beliefs.

Our intestinal tracts, well…they’re going to do what they’re going to do without seeking wise counsel from our more controlled and genteel side prior to their public outbursts.

When this happens, our dignity is left paralyzed with doubt about the right course of action to recover from our body’s betrayal.

Those around us are equally embarrassed and perplexed about how to respond, or if they should respond at all.

As your Manners Mentor (Thank you, by the way, for allowing me that honor. I’m grateful for the trust and friendship we share!), and in the interest of your dignity, below in easy bullet points, you’ll find the solution for both what to do when you’re intestinal tract has betrayed you, and when you’re the innocent bystander.

Oh, before I forget, when you’re finished reading the etiquette tips, I’d consider it a dear favor if you’d take a minute to read my personal update that follows. It’s some big news and an invitation!

Bodily Noise Etiquette

Burping

Let’s start with the lesser of the evils, shall we, and work our way up (or would that be down?)!

Everyone, I guess this would even include the Queen herself, burps. There’s no reason to be overly embarrassed. Exchange the energy you would spend on embarrassment for handling the situation with ease, confidence, and a little savvy!

When you feel a burp coming on, follow these four steps:

1. Keep your lips closed and try to be as quiet as possible.

2. Take your left hand (your right hand if you’re left-handed) and make a fist. Raise your fist to your mouth and burp into the part where your thumb and first (pointer) finger circle one another.

3. Turn your head to one shoulder or the other as you burp into your fist. Which side to turn your head? Well, if there’s no one on a particular side, choose that side. If there’s someone on both sides, you’ve got a choice to make. Who will mind the least? If your neighbor is on your right, and your husband is on your left, turn your head to your left. It’s no disrespect; it just goes with being family!

4. Say, “Pardon me!” to no one in particular but so that anyone who heard you burp will also hear your confession.

If you’re near someone who burps:

· The less said the better. Simply smile a little smile that says, “Been there, done that!” Do this well and you’re going to be a hero!

· If you feel you must say something (really, though, you don’t have to say anything), a simple, “Of course” or ”Sure” is all that’s needed.

Passing Gas

Yes, I know; I didn’t even like typing the words. This is the bodily function people dread happening to them or anyone near them. I wish there was a magic wand to make it all go away, but of course there isn’t. Here are the tips that will help you handle it as well as possible next time.

If you pass gas:

· Passing gas is called a “social unmentionable.” That means no matter what, shhh! We don’t mention it in adult company!

· If you’re at home with family or out with one or two dear friends and you feel you must say something, then simply say, “Pardon me.” But really, you don’t have to say a word! (Doesn’t that make you feel better?)

· When in a crowd or with strangers, usually never mention it. “Owning it” is not actually the best choice. Because it’s a social unmentionable, it’s really best not to draw attention to it.

If you’re with someone who passes gas:

· If the person who passes the gas says, “Excuse me.” Simply give a little smile the same as with a burp and be quick to carry on the conversation you were having prior to the incident.

· Passing gas is embarrassing for the offender and the offended. Resist the urge to say anything or to laugh at the expense of the other person.

· If the smell becomes bothersome simply say, “Excuse me” and leave the room without explanation. When you return, no explanation is needed either.

For families:

· At home with your children, you might want to establish a rule that makes them apologize quickly when around family members. Otherwise, a lengthy and giggle-filled game of “I didn’t do it; he did!” is likely to frequently erupt!

· When in public, as long as your child wasn’t doing it on purpose, whether he or she burps or passes gas, it’s just as embarrassing for little ones as it is for us. It’s kind to teach them the “adult etiquette” listed here and allow them to follow it.

Finally:

Well….there you have it, what to do if you’re the offender or the offended. Simple skills with big rewards when it comes to handling these embarrassing but inevitable situations with ease, confidence and with your dignity in tact!

Personal Update:

You are missed and I love hearing from you! Click on over to the blog and say, “Hello” so I know you’re still around. Also, if you have any friends who might enjoy the blog, this would be a great post to use to introduce them. It’s etiquette, but definitely not stuffy! Forward it on to them now!

Big news:

I haven’t blogged lately because I’m enveloped full-time-plus in creating what will be the hallmark of my career!

It’s an etiquette curriculum that you’ll soon be able to purchase to become a Manners Mentor® yourself! You’ll receive everything you need to teach children’s etiquette classes for:

To become a child’s role model and mentor
To begin or expand your ministry
To increase your sphere of influence
For personal fulfillment
To become your communities media go-to manners expert
For profit (The income is a great blessing in this tough economy!)

It’s the culmination of 19 years or prayer, faith, expectation, study, careful planning, and hard work on my part. I’m honored to be the author. About 18 months ago I partnered with an amazing development team to bring it all to life.

People who have worked with:

Disney®
American Girl®
Billy Graham Ministries®
Hermie®
….and many others are working side-by-side with me!

What we’re creating is astonishing! It’s fun, modern, meaningful, and memorable! It will be life-changing for future students and their Manners Mentors®.

I’ve been cultivating my life’s garden. Laboring in the fields of words has been hard. It’s almost harvest time. I can’t wait to share the bounty with you in the coming months!

If you have a heart for children and understand they benefit from life-impacting and life-changing etiquette skills, then join me and add being a “Manners Mentor®” to your list of life achievements.

E-mail me today at Info@MannersMentor.com. I’ll let you know as soon as the web site with all the details is up and running!

$100 Checks

Have a friend who might be interested? Tell her about it, and if she e-mails me and becomes a Manners Mentor®, I’ll send you a $100 check as a special thank you! No limit to how many $100 checks you could receive, so share the news with all your friends!

Facebook! Facebook! Facebook!

Are you part of our facebook family? I share a tip a day and we have tons of fun conversations. If you’re not part of the facebook page click over to facebook and, join now! In only seven months our little family has grown to over 1200!

You’ll find me at www.facebook.com/manners.mentor. Or just type “Maralee McKee Manners Mentor” into the facebook search box.

See you on facebook today and back here with another blog post as soon as I can!

Many blessings and great gratitude,